Run away from everything you can

I can't explain my inner most feelings through words. No one can. But we can try our hardest to express our thinking patterns and how we feel and what we think through these little letters we put out for everyone else to read.

I feel like my life is a never ending facade of gloominess. And its all up to me to change it.

I'm secretly lonely and wanting to be appreciated, secretly down and depressed and angry. I'm so good at pretending, pretending that everything is okay when deep down inside I know its really not.
What the fuck am I doing with myself and my life? All the things I want are so easy to get but I'm just so fucking lazy and stupid. Argh

I can't even, explain anything through this stupid fucking computer and these stupid words

I'm just darkened by life, its not warm and its not inviting. I wish I could be happy and fulfilled and excited for the next day to come but I'm not. I want my old significant other back in my arms and my head, I want him back. But I won't have him as mine - ever. I want you but you're so far away and your circumstances are so fucked up as are mine. I also want you but I can't have you because you confuse yourself too much.

I just feel grey and morbid and anxious and inadequate to everyone around me, I feel down and stupid and pissed off and tense. I am the illustrator of my life, its time to draw something fucking wonderful and stick to it for once.

Its interesting to look back and remember snippets of my childhood and growing up and how they all could of led to myself and the way I am now. I realized that when I was five and I saw my dad chasing after me after just falling off my motorbike and breaking my leg that that was when I lost hope in him.. or not him, just something. I lost something so special that day and its never going to be replaced.

I don't know why my current position in life is not satisfying me.. I don't really have many real friends anymore, and the ones that are so real to me never want to see me because their lives are too busy with petty dogma bullshit that they have to deal with.

I know people don't really like me because I am annoying and I am difficult and I am stubborn. But I am also so prepared to be nice to people because I WANT to be! I wish people could see this in me.

I don't know what is wrong with me but I want something to change, I need something to change, I don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore and my head just leads me to tears all the time, twanged in with a bit of my broken heart. All I wish for is brotherhood to evolve out of this fuckin stupid nonsense and get some bearings, get some respect and live not wanting to rip each others heads off. I don't want to live in a society where my brothers and sisters are killing each other. Its killing me inside and I just can't deal with shit anymore.

I find myself getting some what weaker and weaker day by day and losing a tiny grain of hope every day also. I will never lose hope and I will never give up but fuck me! I want to go away and hibernate for ever. My main problem is that no one seems to give a fuck how I feel or what I think or what I say because I am just 'scarlett, that 15 year old girl' I wish I had some self esteem, I wish I had some balls, I wish I wasn't so weak and fucking depressed

I wish for good friends and good times.

I wish for new perception

I wish for clarity and recognition of love

I wish for a helping hand and a beautiful significant other

I wish for everything I can't achieve

"If you're going through hell, keep going"

I don't know why I feel so down. :(

go away rain