I can feel myself getting weaker and weaker, although I don't let it show. I don't want to let it show, theres no point in letting it show, but whats with my little outbursts of anger and sadness all the time? I myself, even don't understand it and I should.
My 'good friends' have let me down. So now I am sitting and waiting, ever so patiently for you to get back because deep down I love you and I want you with me.
So many shit things have happened to me in the past few weeks, I don't know whats wrong with the world. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with humanity, and authority. I just wish there was a way to break free from this uninviting, piece of shit, concrete fucking jungle called Christchurch.
I can't rest my head without someone next to me, my mind is not at peace. Nights at home just make me sad because I can't stop thinking. Its nearly 4am and I've been trying to sleep since 12.30am and just had to get on my laptop to write this and get everything out of me. Of course, I can't and will not ever be able to get everything out of me through words, but I can try.
I do not feel as if I need to justify myself as a person, nor do I expect anybody else to feel the same. We are all human beings, it doesn't matter if you have 800 days more experience than me, we're still all just pieces of DNA floating around and eventually we all die, then when all of our friends and family have died and all the people that remembered us as a living conscious being have died, we are then NOTHING. So right now, what are we? Nothing.. or everything? I seem to not be able to answer this question to myself, what are we doing here? What the fucking fuck are we up to? Are we even happy as people? Are we comfortable in this world thats been set out for us? Who set out this world for us in the first place? Us..? How do we know what happy means, how do we know what good and bad means, how do we know what intelligent means, how do we fucking even know what perfect is?
The one thing I can not handle in people is a shut down on a person because of an opinion they have. Because of a certain song they like, or a genre of music they choose to listen to. See, I wasn't cool enough for some pretentious indie faggots at my friends sixteenth birthday party, therefore they tried to single me out by using snarky little remarks such as 'oh the gypsy bitch wouldn't know' and so on, so forth. I stood there and took it for an hour, just observing.. just listening to what they had to say and trying to figure out what made them even say it in the first place. I came to the conclusion at the end of my observing that they were only insecure, and taking out their insecurities on the person that was the easiest to attack - me. And that they were ONLY just pretentious mother fucking indie kids, with nothing better to say but washed up shitty try hard intellectual comments that made no sense at all, and were not in the SLIGHTEST, intellectual, only arrogant, rude, nasty and judgmental. And these people actually live their lives thinking they are intelligent members of the human race. I hope one day what comes around goes around, and they get a big fucking reality check. I'm not trying to say that these indie kids are stupid and that I am an intellectual and I deserve everything that they don't, I'm just trying to state my point that they're not as cool as they'd like to think so. They take pride in being assholes. And I hope one day they realize this and try and change for the better.
See, I have a lot of hate for this whole human population thing, in general we're stupid novices that think we have a fair idea of what 'life' means. But life means something different to every single individual, and is so subjective that it seems so ridiculous to have to 'live' to some other persons account. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if everything was completely different, but then I couldn't even think of what different would be like because my mind is so set to this physical environment around me and my 5 senses.
I don't know what I'm writing about half the time, I don't know what I'm even talking about half the time, I just wish some people would give me a chance and stop fucking around with my feelings. It really sucks when two of your good friends that you hold close to you just ignore you for weeks on end, because in their reality, all that really matters to them, is them. We all have evil and greed and what not, but I still care for other people in this world, because they co exist with me and they also, are just an animal like myself. I need to sleep, but my brain won't turn off, and this piece of writing that just came out of my head, will not ever, matter to anyone but myself.
I am sensitive.
But I hide it well, I like to pretend.
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